Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Is Oprah even human
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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