my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
