I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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