She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
