I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
