just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
