I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
