Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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