The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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