It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
he fucked my hip out of place.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
