i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
