I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
