i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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