party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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