I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
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