hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
