good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
