Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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