the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
