I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Too much gin, very little bucket
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
