My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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