I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
