I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
