At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
So much Jack, so little girl.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize