Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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