She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
sarcasm needs its own font
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Randomize