One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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