Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
