She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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