I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Drake has all the answers
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
