wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
