I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
