Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize