I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
