Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
