So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
