They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
