My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
