Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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