I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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