he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize