I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
