I swear she didn't look like that last week.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
