Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
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