I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
