and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Randomize