Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
