Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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