You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
