We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
