No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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