mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
