why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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