ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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