my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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