His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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