I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
