Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize