Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
