when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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