What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
