k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
