I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
