My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize