I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
