Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
porn star boner night. come get it.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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