Swine flu. Run for my life!
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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