Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Randomize
