Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Houston, we have a blender
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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