Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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