I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
